Why Did You Stay: Overcoming the Shame of Abuse by Michelle Donnelly

NOTE: You may notice that I often refer to a person who has been abused as a “target” or “victim.”  I must be clear that these words are not labels - they do NOT define you or identify you as a person.  They are only used here to describe the experience of a person who has been abused within an abusive relationship dynamic.

“Why did you stay?”

For many abuse survivors, this is a seemingly simple question that has no easy answers.  Sometimes the reasons are unknown – even to us – and not having an answer can leave a woman feeling foolish, ashamed, angered, or bewildered.

How can this be?  Within this question lurks an inherent shame, tucked inside of it and questions like it.  Have you heard other unanswerable questions like, “What are you doing that’s causing him to treat you this way?,” or “Are you sure you’ve tried everything?”  These queries are often crushing to a victim because they implicitly place blame upon you for the inexcusable behavior of someone else.

Shame is always connected to lies.  The lie within these questions is that the victim is somehow responsible for her abuse (either in whole or in part).  They suggest that if she can just manage to figure out her role, then she can fix the situation.  But when she can’t figure it out, the shame is compounded; she’s already being told by her abuser (and possibly others) how worthless and terrible she is, and when she fails to find a way to mend the relationship, she believes it.

But the truth is abuse is always a choice.

An abuser has just as much choice in addressing their feelings calmly and rationally as they do in emotionally bludgeoning someone else.  Abuse is never the victim’s fault, and nothing she does can change the choices of another person.

The shame is only furthered once she finds her way out of the situation, whether by escape or abandonment (which are the only options she has).  But once either occurs, the questions don’t stop; she is either questioned about why she left, or questioned about why she stayed.  Whichever way the confrontation comes, the shame remains the same.

Removing the Shame

When it comes to removing the shame of having been in an abusive situation, we must consider the stories we tell ourselves and the stories we are told by other people.  We must identify the lies within these stories, and read the story afresh through the lens of truth, placing the responsibility back on the abuser, where it belongs.

Truth #1 // Many victims are so deceived they cannot perceive what kind of relationship they are in.

To ask why a woman stayed in an abusive relationship assumes that the victim was even fully aware of what was happening in the first place.  Many are not.  Abuse thrives on confusion and deceit, and many victims lack all of the information needed to accurately assess the situation.

Abusers intentionally lie and manipulate information to keep victims unaware of their schemes.  Additionally, they keep victims off-balance by mixing together love and hate, affection and affliction.  This creates a belief in the victim that the abuser is loving and trustworthy, despite having bad moments (like all of us do).

So often, women aren’t able to categorize this mistreatment as abuse until someone (like a counselor) reveals the truth, or until they are able to step back from the situation.  Insight and distance are two things a victim needs to gain clarity, and abusers do what they can to ensure their targets never gain access to either of them.

Truth #2 // Victims (and the people around them) don’t realize that God detests abuse.

Many Christian women suffering abuse are told that staying with an abuser is their duty, and that leaving is not being in “long suffering.”  They are told to “love him more” or “be a better helpmate.”

Often this advice is well-meaning, but sometimes it is not.  Regardless, this kind of counsel is flat out unbiblical.

The Bible reveals to us that God hates abuse.  Proverbs 6:16-19 says, “There are six things the LORD hates— no, seven things He detests: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that kill the innocent, a heart that plots evil, feet that race to do wrong, a false witness who pours out lies, a person who sows discord in a family.”

God detests the deceitful, reckless, divisive ways of abusers.  Instead of being devoted to God’s glory, abusers rob others of glory for themselves.  This is idolatry.  What’s more, 2 Timothy 3:5 gives us clear instructions as to how to handle abusers; it says “Have nothing to do with such people.”

Loving someone who is abusive does not mean tolerating their sin; it means exposing it that they would experience the consequences, choose to repent, and be reconciled to God.

Truth #3 // Leaving alone can be dangerous.

Even if a woman is clear that her situation is dangerous, she may fear the retaliation of escaping.  These fears are not unfounded; she may have already experienced retaliation for previous acts of courage.  Furthermore, she may have received preemptive threats, which abusers use to intimidate their victims.

Even if there has never been physical violence in the past, research shows that leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time for a victim.  And while counselors can help a woman develop a safety plan, she will have to rely on her community to fully implement it.

Unfortunately, the local church is often untrained and unequipped when it comes to helping women fleeing abusive relationships.  Abused women often find themselves without support and uncertain as to how they will make ends meet once they’ve left.  Escaping is not only daunting, but risky.

THE BETTER QUESTION

If you find yourself being questioned about staying or leaving, it’s not uncommon to be caught off guard, to find yourself tongue tied, or to become angry.  This question tugs at the trauma you’ve experienced, and is likely going to dredge up some pain.  Please know that not every question needs an answer, and not every person who asks is able to meet you in your grief.

Often those who ask are merely curious, but they don’t realize that they’re asking to access parts of your story that are only for a trusted few.  In this situation, boundary setting can help you regain your footing.  You can say something like “That’s not something I feel comfortable sharing.”

No explanation needed. The end.

But if you recognize that the person asking is safe and perhaps needs some guidance, consider shifting the focus from what happened in the past to where you are right now.  In doing so, you offer direction towards a better question.  You can say something like, “Thinking about that makes me feel (fill in the blank).  It would really help me to talk about what I need help with right now instead.”

Abuse leaves the victim feeling voiceless and powerless.  However, experiences like these are actually good opportunities to practice using your voice to discover the power in holding your peace.  And as you do, you reject the lies and shame that have been thrust upon you and begin moving from victim to victor.