They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but that’s not the whole truth. Because what doesn’t kill you can make you bitter. What doesn’t kill you can leave you numb. And what doesn’t kill you can lead you to make bad decisions with even worse consequences.
I became a single mom a few years ago when on an ordinary June evening, I went to bed happily married and woke up a widow. I was suddenly single parenting seven children, facing overwhelming change and navigating my pain while shepherding my children through theirs.
Becoming a widow and single mom didn’t magically make me stronger. Dealing with a hurricane on my own, figuring out finances, and learning how to fix the pool pump were all difficult, but they did not automatically build fortitude. Because circumstances alone cannot make us stronger. Our circumstances are value-neutral. It’s what we do in our circumstances that either makes us stronger or leaves us more vulnerable than before.
Every single day we have choices that will build us up or bring us down. In the first months after my husband died, one of the hardest choices was simply to get out of bed. Each morning I’d coach myself: Your kids have already lost one parent, and they cannot lose another. With all the resolve I could muster and breathing a prayer for help, I’d put feet to floor. I didn’t feel strong, and I couldn’t tell that that small step was building resilience.
In fact, that choice alone did not make me strong. The next choices were equally as important. I needed to engage with my four- and six-year-olds, grow a strong spine for my tween and teen boys, listen late at night when my 17-year-old needed to talk, and help my college son through big decisions.
It was a series of choices over the next months and then years that not only helped me walk through unexpected difficulty but to become stronger for it.
As single moms, I see 5 ways we can grow stronger in difficulty:
- Rely on God’s strength. This is by far the secret to any strength in me. I see my limits — how often I’ve hit a wall and felt weak-in-the-knees facing another new challenge. But coming to the end of my strength allows me to see God’s. God has given wisdom, practical help, and sustaining grace every time I’ve asked. Ultimately, any strength I’ve gained or shown is God working through this mama who desperately needs it.
- Choose gratitude. Choosing gratitude in difficulty guards our hearts from bitterness. God calls us to be thankful in all circumstances (1 Thess. 5:18), not because he needs it, but because we do. Gratitude opens our eyes to simple gifts, to God’s hand in us and around us, and to the abundance, even in the circumstances we wouldn’t choose. Gratitude strengthens us because it shifts our perspective.
- Fight for joy. When your heart’s been broken through loss or betrayal, it’s easy to go numb. In an attempt to survive, we can put up walls to guard against more hurt. After my husband died, a friend suggested grief would mean I’d never feel the heights of happiness I once had, but I’d also never feel the depths of pain. Even as she said it, I began fighting it. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life stuck in indifference. I want to feel the exuberant warmth of a genuine smile and deep laughter bubbling up from a joy-filled heart. Fighting for joy cultivates resilience.
- Do it scared. For years I wanted to take my children to the Grand Canyon, but after my husband died, that road trip from Florida felt too big. Twice I planned the trip, and twice I found it canceled. Finally, I decided to do it afraid. I rented a car, packed up my kids, and drove 2,064 miles cross country. It wasn’t just a victory over that particular fear (which now seems silly!) but a catalyst that helped me tackle other new things. One brave step inspires us to take more brave steps.
- Let others help. As much as we single moms need help, it’s hard to let go of our pride and let others see our need. But the truly strong know when to ask for help. Text a friend to help with carpooling and find friends who can offer a listening ear or wisdom for decisions. One single mom I know asked couples in her church to walk with her and her children as mentors through the teen years.
Becoming a strong single mom won’t just happen. Your strength and fortitude will be shaped not by your circumstance but the choices you make in your circumstance.
Lisa Appelo is a speaker, writer, and Bible teacher who inspires women to deepen their faith in grief and find hope in the hard. Eight years ago, Lisa became a sudden widow and single mom to 7. She’s passionate about rich Bible study and teaches a weekly ladies Bible class. She’s a speaker with She Found Joy and has been published at Proverbs 31 Ministries, (in)courage, Risen Motherhood, Jennifer Rothschild, and more. Connect with Lisa on Instagram @lisaappelo.
The Life of a Single Mom is a national, faith-based, nonprofit that exists to see that no single mom walks alone. To date, the organization has worked with hundreds of churches to start a single mom’s support group in cities throughout the U.S. and beyond, as well as having served hundreds of thousands of single mothers with a variety of programs. Offering a large array of books, curriculum, training materials, online instructional videos, podcasts, newsletters, life skills education, and more, TLSM is one of the largest single mom organizations in the U.S. The robust selection of single mom programs focus on empowering single moms to grow spiritually, emotionally, financially, and parentally through Single Mom University, Single Moms Across America, the National TLSM Single Moms Conference, boot camps, and a variety of other programs. For more information, visit www.thelifeofasinglemom.com.
