“The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it too.”

-Genesis 3:6 (NLT)

It’s easy to men-bash in the land of single motherhood. But I challenge you to think about the part we women play in wrecking relationships. It usually happens in the beginning. Instead of waiting for the man to lead, we initiate.

We see a man and he appeals to us, so we open our ear to the voice of the serpent who says to us the same thing he said to Eve in the garden:


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“Did God really say you must not…?”

At this point, we don’t really care a lot what God says because we’ve already decided we want the man. And so we commit Eve’s fatal error: she saw, she wanted, she took. And he went along with it. And so will whatever man we tempt, most likely.

Why do we do this? Because most of us are deeply insecure and think taking matters into our own hands will give us some measure of control. Unfortunately, it almost always backfires. God created men first and wired them to be the leaders and initiators. He created women second and wired us to be the helpers and responders. When women insist on being the initiators, at first men seem to like it, but later, when they realize they’ve been “led” into something they’re not sure they really want, they resent it and will usually bail, either physically or emotionally.

On the other hand, when a woman waits for a man to initiate and pursue her, making him earn her trust and prove his devotion, if he’s the right kind of man, he develops greater respect and greater desire for her. Men like the challenge of the pursuit and do not assign much worth to anything that comes too easily.

So in today’s world, what exactly falls into the category of initiating with a man? Well, how many times have you “friended” a guy you were interested in before he friended you? Or initiated chats with him instead of waiting for him to message you? Or “innocently” invited him on an outing, hoping something would happen?

The problem with women doing the initiating is that it upset’s God’s design. From everything I can tell from scripture, God speaks to the man and directs him to the woman He’s designed perfectly for him. Isn’t that how He brought Eve to Adam? What if every time we initiate with a man, we are interrupting and distracting him from where God is trying to direct him?

I know, it’s hard to be quiet and wait. But God knows what He’s doing. Maybe if we stopped initiating with men and focused on initiating with God, asking Him in prayer for what we desire and then waiting and trusting Him for it, we would find what our hearts really need: rest in His love.

don't message him firstDawn Walker is a warrior for the widows and fatherless of this generation. She is author to the new book, The Daddy Gap. In 2012, she left a 15-year successful, corporate career to found Single Parent Missions. A single mom herself, she is passionate about helping other single parent families discover the love and transformation that she found in Jesus and helping the church discover what a blessing reaching out to single parent families can be. A resident of Paris, KY with her son, Ethan, she is active in her community and church and serves on a variety of local and national missions teams. For more information, visit www.singleparentmissions.org.


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