I threw myself a party last week. It was actually a surprise party where pity was the theme, lies did the catering and weariness invited me in. Fortunately, I found the exit door and got out, but it made me realize how easily my thoughts can trip me up.
I began to take a hard look at some of the lies I tell myself. I started to notice lies that laced conversations with my other single mom friends. These lies do us a disservice, lulling us into parenting out of fear or from defeat. Today, I’m unpacking 5 lies single moms believe and the truth that frees.
LIE #1 / Married women have it easier.
I mean just look at her. Her husband shares the driving, takes care of the lawn, knows how to unclog the garbage disposal and then treats her to dinner. But, of course, that’s the highlight reel. Marriage is hard work. If I’m honest, I remember the days my late husband and I could barely speak for our anger and the nights I went to bed disappointed. Marriage is a daily dying to self, accommodating someone else’s schedule and interests and living alongside someone who may be the complete opposite.
The truth is...
that while marriage allows us to share the burdens of home and family, that sharing often creates conflict which must be resolved. No marriage is perfect. Both married and single moms carry burdens, though they may be different.
Lie #2 / This discipline issue wouldn’t happen if I was married.
This was the lie that triggered my pity party. I was dealing with a teen son and remembered all the times when I had someone able to step in when it got hard. It was such a relief to be able to hand the situation over to him, knowing he might understand more, have a better approach.
Peace and the Single Mom
By Jennifer Maggio
Are you an overwhelmed, exhausted, worn-out, stressed-out and fed-up single mother who is looking for hope? Are you a relaxed, hope-filled, rejuvenated single mother who is resting in His word? Or are you somewhere in between?
This book is for you! This 50-part devotional is designed to be read at your pace, spanning every emotional struggle imaginable from Strength & Hope to Exhaustion, Fury, and Finding Humor in the daily grind of single parenthood. Order your copy today. Ideal for small group study or individual use.
The truth is...
that I’d dealt with these same issues with my older children, when I was married. And it had been hard then, just as it was now. Hard discipline issues come up even in healthy, intact families. And discipline issues arise because kids are learning and maturing, not because they have a single mom. While I miss not being able to talk about parenting issues with a husband and lean on a husband’s strengths in parenting, both married and single moms navigate parenting issues.
LIE #3 / My children will be emotionally handicapped as adults.
This lie makes us wring our hands in worry over something that may never happen. We are filled with regret and guilt, many times, for situations that are out of our control. Single parenting may involve a loss — either the death of a parent, the death of a marriage, or the loss of a biological mom — which causes grief and heavy emotions for our children. But in this loss, there is also an opportunity to help our children understand their emotions, learn to process them, and develop compassion for others going through loss.
The truth is...
Learning to process loss also helps our children become more resilient, a key character trait they will use over and over as adults. While we wouldn’t have chosen the circumstances, we can parent in the circumstances to help our children become emotionally mature, rather than stunted.
LIE #4 / I’ll never measure up as a mom.
Single parenting is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I daily feel the lack in my capacity and energy. When I was married, I was a stay-at-home mom and could focus my full attention on my kids. Now I’m a work-at-home mom, juggling the house, finances, meals and schooling.
Most nights, I’m working at my keyboard rather than reading to my kids the way I used to. And I’m often too tired or too busy to keep up all the traditions we used to have as a family. The lie that we don’t measure up doesn’t just plague single moms. It’s a lie all moms can buy into.
The truth is...
that no mom feels like she measures up. None of us can do it all. Measuring up as a mom is less about keeping perfect activities and traditions and more about loving our children and teaching them to love God. Your kids are watching you and learning valuable lessons about working hard, overcoming adversity and trusting God.
LIE #5 / Our family will never thrive again.
My husband and I had big dreams for our family and for our children. Life wasn’t perfect when I was married, but it was full and vibrant. Becoming a sudden widow and single mom shattered those dreams. Our daily rhythms changed and for the few years, I felt like I was surviving rather than thriving.
I’ve come to see that while life looks different than I expected, it can still be good. We have new rhythms and I’ve begun to dream new dreams. While life can dish out unexpected hard, there is also unexpected good. We’ve been able to take vacations that weren’t even on my bucket list. We’ve enjoyed new friendships while keeping old friends. And my children have are thriving in school, marriages and careers.
The truth is...
that while single parenting changes many of our plans, it doesn’t change the vision for our children. All the good is not behind us. And while it may take time to move through loss and surviving, our families can thrive again.
MEET THE AUTHOR
Lisa Appelo is a speaker, writer, and Bible teacher who inspires women to deepen their faith in grief and find hope in the hard. Eight years ago, Lisa became a sudden widow and single mom to 7. She’s passionate about rich Bible study and teaches a weekly ladies Bible class. She’s a speaker with She Found Joy and has been published at Proverbs 31 Ministries, (in)courage, Risen Motherhood, Jennifer Rothschild, and more. Connect with Lisa on Instagram @lisaappelo.
WHO WE ARE
The Life of a Single Mom is a national, faith-based, nonprofit that exists to see that no single mom walks alone. To date, the organization has worked with hundreds of churches to start a single mom’s support group in cities throughout the U.S. and beyond, as well as having served hundreds of thousands of single mothers with a variety of programs. Offering a large array of books, curriculum, training materials, online instructional videos, podcasts, newsletters, life skills education, and more, TLSM is one of the largest single mom organizations in the U.S. The robust selection of single mom programs focus on empowering single moms to grow spiritually, emotionally, financially, and parentally through Single Mom University, Single Moms Across America, the National TLSM Single Moms Conference, boot camps, and a variety of other programs. For more information, visit thelifeofasinglemom.com.
