The Choice to Be Choosy by Amber Rhodes

If you are choosy, JIF shares you will choose their brand. Their brand is a cut above the rest. Their brand is not hurriedly manufactured, but it has been processed to make what peanut butter is supposed to be - creamy and smooth.

No, this article is not about peanut butter. But rather, a reminder for us moms to be choosy when we want to venture into the dating world.

When we are choosy, we are selective, wise and a bit more mature, recognizing and being willing to wait on what God is preparing for us. When we are choosy, we get to weigh our options and select the best choice - even if the best choice is not choosing what is presented. When we are choosy, we don't make compromises and sacrifice our boundaries. We know full well that we are a daughter of the King, more precious than rubies. We know our identity in Christ and are willing to be alone if it means not bending and conforming to the world.

How many of us have ran into the next relationship after a bad breakup or tough divorce? We tend to rush to the next thing to get over the old thing. But, from experience, it is better to take time, fully heal, and wait upon the Lord to reveal the next steps for your dating season.

Now, as a single mother myself, I get it! Thoughts can flood your mind constantly:

"Am I going to be alone forever?"

"I'm tired of parenting alone!"

"When will my husband come sweep me off my feet?"

It's easy to want to rush into the dating scene and find Mr. Right, but it is essential to guard your heart and protect you and your children from inviting the wrong one into your circle and home. Have you ever felt like the guys you meet start off great? He says all the right things. He cleans up well. He sounds like he is willing and able to care for you and your children. And the cherry on top? He says he loves the Lord! Your heart starts racing. You start imagining the two-story house and the white picket fence and you think the love story is written. Then, a few weeks pass by and small, subtle things start happening. He stops responding. He's no longer interested in going to church with you. He's pushing you to cross boundaries that you clearly stated in the very beginning. But because you're already invested, you look past it. Things continue to escalate and now you are down the rabbit hole and can't see a way out, but all you know is this will be yet another heartbreak.

I've been there, but here is where being choosy comes in. Momma, it is so important to look at his fruit - every step of the way. The small thing will usually become a major red flag. Get good at looking at what he produces and be willing to walk away. Matthew 7:18-20 gives us a clear picture what we should be looking for and how we should handle the situation:

Fruits are the actions of a person. Fruits are the residuals of a person. Fruits are what a person produces (and keeps producing) on a consistent basis. Let's be honest...anyone can fake it for a short amount of time. But it's the day in, day out, always showing up, never wavering even in times of difficulty fruit that you are looking for.

Take a look at how he handles all seasons of life. What is he like in lack, in abundance, in sadness, in joyful moments, in frustration, during loss, during stagnant times? The different seasons reveal the truest character of a person, so again, guard your heart, be observant, and take action.

Who we allow in our presence also affects our children in ways we don’t realize. From the spirits they carry, to the way they make us feel - children can sense so much with “new people” around mommy. With that, we have to make sure we are doing our children justice. Who we have around teaches our children what to accept, what not to accept, how to be, what they should expect - so it’s imperative we show the righteous and holy way to date and be in a relationship.

I often reflect, as a divorcee, on what I would do differently than what my rose colored glasses didn’t allow me to see before I got married.

Being unapologetic. Before I was married, I still hid who I really was and allowed what was presented to tell me what I needed. I didn’t vocalize much and didn’t speak up for myself. After going through a difficult divorce, I have found my voice and I found what I really need and know how to communicate just that. If someone isn’t my cup of tea or the Holy Spirit speaks to me, I move along - as soon as I get the gut check. What’s refreshing is the boldness and bravery to pass on what you know isn't for you instead of trying to mold it to work. After much work on myself, with the help of God, He allowed me to realize I am the prize. And the same goes for you, too. Knowing that you are a gift to anyone you come across changes the trajectory of how you maneuver in relationships.

Priority shift. As a single mother, my priorities shifted and my “list” changed. You know that list of your wants in a guy. That list. It changed. For example, I used to want a guy who went to church, but that changed to a guy with a relationship with Christ. Or, maybe wanting a guy with a job, but changed to a guy actively working on his assignment. Or, a guy that is a provider and now a guy who has a teachable spirit. It’s amazing how many lessons you can learn from just one divorce! One of my favorite scriptures is Psalms 37:4. The Lord says Delight yourself in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. If you read it like I do, God will give us the desires we need and will then fulfill those desires.

The power in no. "No" is a gift. "No" keeps people within your boundaries. Being a “yes” girl all the time will leave you depleted, used up and brainwashed. Know what God has said in His Word, and know that anything against that is a no. Anyone that lures you away from your relationship with Christ, is a no. Anyone who isn’t equipped for your ministry calling is a no. Anyone whose actions do not match the words they speak, no. And understand, no means no. And a no doesn’t need to be explained. "No" is a sentence.

Being choosy only comes when we know and understand what & who God wants for us. In His Word, God outlines the characteristics of love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). God wants that for us. God wants us to have a husband who loves us as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25). God outlines what good fruits are in His Word (Galatians 5:22-23). He wants this for us. Anyone and anything that is opposite, is not the one.

It’s not high standards - but it is The Standard that we must live by and also what we expect from others, because God has outlined what we must choose in His Word. Being choosy is a great thing, We have to remember, we are shaping and molding our children's world by allowing what we allow in our world.

From one choosy mom to (hopefully) another one, don’t settle. Live and expect God’s standard and continue to be choosy.