Single parenting sometimes feels like second best.
Even after ten years of single parenting, I can sometimes lapse into feeling this is a second-rate life of the one I ordered. Like I’m living the leftovers of the one I’d planned and my kids are getting cheated out of the beautiful upbringing in a healthy, intact family I wanted for them.
See, I asked for door #1, the one where I’d be married to my high school sweetheart into old age, where we’d raise our children to follow hard after the Lord, where we’d launch our children as arrows for God, and then enjoy ministry, work, traveling, and grandkids.
Ever feel like there’s been a bait and switch between the door you asked for and the one you’re walking through?
I became a single mom one Friday morning while I slept. Unbeknownst to me, my husband was taking his last breaths on the pillow next to mine.
In the still dark early morning, I woke to my husband’s labored breathing and though we tried everything we could, though the paramedics were there within minutes, though I prayed my guts out that God would spare his life, I left the emergency room walking into a life I never expected.
Everything I’d planned, the life I’d envisioned and worked toward and counted on seemed to have died along with my husband as I became a sudden widow and single mom to seven kids.
Now, to be honest, that life wasn’t perfect: my husband and I had struggles with finances, kids, and our marriage. And I surely wasn’t a perfect mom or wife. But it was door #1—the life I’d picked.
Behind that door, I was the mom who made homemade bread and nourishing meals for my family, who cheered on my kids in their passions and activities, and who anchored noisy family dinners at one end of the table while my husband anchored the other end.
I don’t think I’ve made bread since that Friday morning my husband died and we’ve had as many dinners on paper plates in front of the television as we have around the table.
Want some more encouragement about God’s plan and purpose for your life? Check out of podcast “Beauty From Ashes”
Becoming a single mom opens the door to enormous change. So much will never look the same again.
But this is the door God knew we’d walk through and by definition, God is as present and powerful in our families now as he was before.
When the enemy whispers that we got the leftovers in life, we need to fight back with the truth.
Becoming a single parent changes so much but it doesn’t change God.
While life may look different than the one we ordered, let’s look at three things that don’t change.
- Your calling as a godly mom hasn’t changed. The root of our calling to motherhood stays the same whether we’re married or single, live urban or rural, have eight children or one, work outside or stay home. My desire as a mom has always been to point my children to Christ above all and in all things. Becoming a single mom didn’t change that. Instead, the more challenging my circumstances became, the easier it was to point to God. My children have seen me utterly dependent on God to do what I cannot. Our weakness and vulnerability as single moms don’t take away from mothering; they make it more fruitful as we transparently live out our trust in God.
- The vision for your family hasn’t changed. A family vision is shaped by the values, principles, goals and purposes for your family. It’s unique to your family and helps define your family. Becoming a single mom doesn’t upend our values and principles, goals and purposes. In fact, these values and goals provide an anchor in the face of deep change. Parenting alone may feel wobbly at first, but leaning on our values and goals which don’t change will help guide our decisions, choices, and responses.
- The promises of God for you haven’t changed. Dan’s death meant I was leading our family of eight without an income. How was I going to meet the financial needs of our home, raise our children, send them to college? What about weddings and school expenses and the mortgage? My worry paralyzed me until I realized my changing circumstances hadn’t changed God’s promise. God promises to supply all of our needs according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19) For a time, that supply came through jobs Dan and I held. After our kids were born, God’s provision came primarily through Dan’s work. Though we no longer had Dan’s income, God would continue to supply every single need as he’d promised.
Sure enough, for the last ten years, I’ve watched in awe as God has met our needs through savings, generous friends and family, my part-time work, college scholarships and more.
Friend, there’s been no bait and switch. You’re not stuck in a second-best life. The door you never expected is governed by God and though different, our mothering can be as fruitful, as purposeful and as secure in God’s promises.
Lisa Appelo is a speaker, writer, and Bible teacher who inspires women to deepen their faith in grief and find hope in the hard. Eight years ago, Lisa became a sudden widow and single mom to 7. She’s passionate about rich Bible study and teaches a weekly ladies Bible class. She’s a speaker with She Found Joy and has been published at Proverbs 31 Ministries, (in)courage, Risen Motherhood, Jennifer Rothschild, and more. Connect with Lisa on Instagram @lisaappelo.
The Life of a Single Mom is a national, faith-based, nonprofit that exists to see that no single mom walks alone. To date, the organization has worked with hundreds of churches to start a single mom’s support group in cities throughout the U.S. and beyond, as well as having served hundreds of thousands of single mothers with a variety of programs. Offering a large array of books, curriculum, training materials, online instructional videos, podcasts, newsletters, life skills education, and more, TLSM is one of the largest single mom organizations in the U.S. The robust selection of single mom programs focus on empowering single moms to grow spiritually, emotionally, financially, and parentally through Single Mom University, Single Moms Across America, the National TLSM Single Moms Conference, boot camps, and a variety of other programs. For more information, visit www.thelifeofasinglemom.com.
