And then… one day… you totally understand. This is the space that hurts the most. When the smoke clears. The understanding space sometimes hurts even more than what took place in the relationship. This is when you are trying hard to figure out what happened. You go through each sign that you noticed throughout the relationship and then self-blame kicks in. How can someone be so loving and giving, but a narcissist at the same time?
It took 44 days of fasting and praying to get to this “understanding” place – a place of self-awareness. Narcissists work to keep the focus on a façade of perfection. Narcissists give of themselves out of fear and their need to continue their game. They take you on trips and buy extravagant gifts for their significant other. It’s usually gradual and, it’s scary. Now, please don’t think for a second that I’m suggesting that we don’t all have issues! We do! We should all be accountable for our actions. For example, I can emotionally disconnect quickly. If I am triggered by something from my past, I will go into flight or fight mode.
But the sad part of being with a narcissist is they will have you believing that YOU are the one being abusive. They will try to convince people around you that you are crazy. They will seek validation from their friends and peers to make you feel like you’re out of your mind. I was even convinced that I might be, until I finally snapped out of it. The truth is, if you were with them long enough, you actually feel a little crazy.
This relationship felt all too familiar, and I couldn’t believe that I fell for it again. The desire to be loved can get us in trouble. It will have you accepting things you said you would never accept again and doing things you said you would never do. The heart is so powerful. It allows you to see the good in people and disregard all of the bad. You will focus on the public display of affection verses focusing on the fact that he keeps calling you “broken”.
If you find yourself in this situation, the major questions you should consider are: Why do I keep attracting the same type of person? How does it happen? Maybe my own insecurities attract people who are insecure. They just cover up the insecurity with over-confidence. I’m not sure the answer to that question, honestly. That’s what my therapist is for. She is helping me to figure out the “why” behind it all. There is one thing I know for sure. I don’t always trust my intuition.
God gave me the feeling that something wasn’t right from the very beginning. I felt it in my spirit. I pushed it to the side. See, we often know what we really want and need, but we settle. The reason we settle is different for all of us, but we settle, nonetheless. What do we choose to do when our world seems to have crumbled again? You get to work. Work on you. Grab the shovel and boots of determination and you work. Work to rebuild the broken heart, with God’s help, stronger and better than ever. You are not going to play the victim! No way! You are going to take this lesson of attracting and dating a narcissist and learn to love again harder than ever with the right tools, the prompting of the Holy Spirit, and the complete healing that is necessary.. Yes, it hurts. I know. Bad. Really bad.
But, never forget you are worthy of love, true, pure, kind, love.
Jillian “JJ” Simmons, a veteran radio host from Cincinnati, Ohio, is more than just another voice to fill the airwaves. As an on-air talent, she has captivated listeners from major cities from across the country, including her hometown Cincinnati (WIZF-FM), Dayton (WROU-FM), New York City (WBLS-FM, where she worked alongside “The Queen of All Media,” Wendy Williams), Indianapolis (WHHH-FM), and Houston (KBXX-FM) . Over the years, she has interviewed many of the rich, famous and influential, including our 44th President, Barack Obama. In addition to being a positive influence on people she meets through her work, JJ is a proud mother to a beautiful daughter. She uses her passion for the” mommy experience” to motivate other single mothers through her network and website SingleMomsRock.com. Although she has always had an innate desire to empower others, raising a daughter has deepened her desire to foster change in the lives of women, and inspired her to give birth to JJ’s I’m Me Foundation. JJ recently published her first book, Without Bruises: A Journey To Hope, Help and Healing which tells her personal story of surviving domestic abuse.