"I’ll never find a Christian husband."

I convinced myself that no Christian man would ever want me with all the baggage I carried and a ready-made family. For years, I listened to the lies Satan told me: You’re not good enough for a Christian man. You’ve made too many mistakes. No man is going to want you with children. All these things (and so much more) rattled through my head on a consistent basis. I had resolved to being a single mother forever.  

I spent almost a decade as a single mother and learned much in that season of singleness that I want to share with you here. I have now been married for more than two decades and ministered to more than one million single mothers across the U.S. through, The Life of a Single Mom. And what I’ve learned through the years about single women, single parenthood, and my own loneliness season has been wisdom that I want to share with as much transparency and hope as I possibly can.  

Single Moms, I have 11 things for you to know about finding a Christian husband:

1. DON'T IGNORE THE RED FLAGS

Ladies, my first piece of advice for finding a Christian husband is do not ignore the red flags. The Holy Spirit is our guide, and when we have a check in our spirit, it is so important that we listen to it and leave the situation. Obedience matters. For years, I found myself in a toxic relationship constantly going through the cycle of emotional, and even physical abuse. I often found myself believing that he would change or praying that God would change his heart. In looking back, I ignored more red flags than I care to count before I even started dating him, and it ultimately left me hurting and broken. When a future potential mate is harsh with you, pay attention. When he is quick to anger, pay attention. When he dismisses your thoughts, pay attention.  These are just a few of the many, many red flags someone may display in the beginning of a relationship. When we ignore these things, we find ourselves in a world of trouble. Allow the Holy Spirit to guide you, and when something doesn’t sit right with you, it isn’t right! Here are a few more red flags you may want to consider when dating: 

2. DON'T ISOLATE

When we are feeling lonely or unloved, we often tend to isolate ourselves from the outside world. While it is important to heal after a bad relationship (we’ll get to that later) and take the time to properly mend, be sure you don’t camp out in isolation for too long. We must take care to nurture our friendships and godly relationships. In addition, when you have healed, men won't just be raining from the sky. While God certainly could do anything, it is rare that He will drop an eligible, godly man on your front doorstep. Put yourself in social settings, where there is the potential to meet new people. Attend church events. Join a local gym. Serve the homeless at an outreach. Gather for a weekly Bible study with friends. Grocery shop in person rather than online. There are many ways to engage in a social life, while simultaneously making new friends, stretching your faith, serving others, and possibly meeting someone new. Not only is isolation not good for us, in that the Lord is clear that He created us for relationships, it can lead to depression or prolonged sadness. Further, we limit the possibilities of who we could meet.  

3. GET RID OF THE LIES

Time and again, I have heard the same complaint: There are no good Christian men out there! Ladies, we have got to dispel that lie and send it back to Hell where it came from. This is so unfair to the many godly men who are walking righteously with the Lord, attempting to honor Him in word and deed, and searching for a future spouse. If you believe no good man exists, then you will carry yourself as such, often lowering your standards to simply settle for the best thing you see out there, instead of waiting upon the Lord. If you believe this lie, you could subconsciously lower your standard to ensure you aren’t left out of the dating pool. There are good men out there! There are hard workers and men of honor and integrity – good future husbands. Don’t become jaded by culture or old wounds (or lies from Satan).

4. BE OPEN TO GOD'S possibilities

How often do we find ourselves thinking, “I’ll never marry again! I’ll never find a good, Christian man!” Even worse… how often do we speak those things aloud over our current situation? Far too often, I see Christian women speaking death, cursing, and hopelessness over their situations and not even consider God’s possibilities. We often harden our hearts to the idea of love because we are so hurt that we think it’s not possible. How often do we shut down a potential love interest because we are trying to protect ourselves from yet another broken heart and disappointment? The truth is, we serve an almighty God whose potential is limitless and yet we discount that potential in our own lives. Remember the power of the God you serve and be open to the possibility of God bringing a good Christian man in your life! Do not shut down out of habit or self-protection. Allow yourself to be open to the possibility of a God-ordained, loving relationship no matter the pain you have felt in the past. Be sensitive to His prompting and leading. 

5. ONLY DATE WHEN HEALTHY

I can’t tell you the number of single women that I have counseled that moved far too quickly from a divorce or break-up into a new relationship in order to mask the pain, fill a void, or avoid the wound altogether. It’s easy to do. Overwhelmed and exhausted by the weight of the world, many pursue a new relationship without taking the time to heal. Your pursuit of a new relationship won’t erase the existing hurt of an old one. It won’t heal it. Unfortunately, too many second marriages or new relationships pay the price for a broken-hearted person who didn’t take the time to mend. If you find yourself constantly talking or thinking about your ex, jumping from relationship to relationship, or looking for someone to fix your finances, parenting problems, or heart wounds, you are probably not healed enough for a new relationship. If you want your next relationship to thrive, you must heal from the last one before jumping into a new one. A wound that is not fully healed will always reopen and leave you hurting. Even worse, it has the potential to hurt the person you are dating as well. Bottom line? Fully heal before seeking a godly, Christian man.  

6. EMBRACE YOUR SINGLENESS

When seeking to find a godly, Christian husband, it is important to first embrace your singleness. I know how lonely singleness can be. I understand the God-given desire of companionship, wanting to share life’s blessings with someone. And nothing is wrong with wanting to be married! However, if you have never learned to be content in your singleness, taking the time to explore who you are and the God-given purpose, dreams, and talents you have, then you can move too quickly. Singleness can be a time to focus on your relationship with the Lord on a deeper level, when the demands of children and cooking and other duties aren’t yet present. Look at this season as an opportunity to grow and strengthen your faith and understand fully who you are as a daughter of the King. This season of singleness is preparing you to be a godly wife one day. There is much to be learned in this season, too. Some of you have been praying for a spouse for a long time now and are discouraged that he hasn’t come along. It was only when I started embracing my singleness, including being intentional about enjoying time with friends, growing in God’s word, and serving others, that I became completely comfortable in it. (And wouldn't you know, that is just when God brought me a husband?!) 

7. PRAY FOR YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND

Pray now for the man you may not have even met yet. Don’t simply pray for God to bring him to you, but pray for the Lord to protect him, guide, lead, teach, and grow him. Praying for your future spouse is just as important as praying for those already in your life. You might say, “I don’t even know where to start, or what to pray.” Here are a few starting points: 

8. KNOW YOUR BOUNDARIES NOW

Don’t wait to be head-over-heels for a guy before deciding what your boundaries will be. It can be too little, too late, when attempting to develop boundaries, after you’ve met a guy that makes your heart pitter patter. Compromise happens when preparation and planning lack. Pray for what you want from a relationship. Pray about what God wants. Then, outline what are the healthiest boundaries for you. Your boundaries may look different from someone else’s, as the Lord will lead and guide the things that will protect you and your particular situation. List them out long before you decide to date again. Some examples of boundaries that may be important to you could include:

These are just a few examples of boundaries you can set with someone while dating! Remember to be firm, and God honoring at all points in your relationship. If he is truly a godly man, he will respect your boundaries and even have some of his own! 

9. STRENGTHEN YOUR WALK WITH THE LORD

When someone has endured a long season of singleness, it can be easy to become increasingly impatient and frustrated. In fact, I have seen some scenarios where the pursuit of a husband becomes all-encompassing and can become obsessive. Take the time to step back and assess your walk with the Lord. Has marriage become an idol? Is there anything that has become more important than your walk with the Lord? Ask Him to search your heart. Take the time to grow in your walk with Him first. Get good at fighting against the enemy’s tactics! (They will surely present themselves in a future marriage). Protect your heart. Put on the full armor of God, as seen in Ephesians 6:10-18. Don’t lose your faith in the waiting season, instead strengthen it! Pray that your future husband is doing the same.  

10. BE A GODLY WOMAN

When pursuing a godly man, first ensure you are a godly woman. Are you upholding the same standards in your life that you expect a future mate to uphold? We can’t expect a godly man to show up and fix all of our problems, nor can we be living immorally and expect a man of godly morals to be attracted to us. Proverbs 31:11 says, “Her husband can trust her and she will greatly enrich his life.” Enrich means “to add to.” You cannot add to a man's life when you are only focusing on all he can do for you. Focus on what you bring. Are you kind? Patient? Gentle? Considerate? Generous? Do you take care of your home, children, body, and finances? Proverbs 31:25 also says, “She is clothed with strength and dignity... When she speaks her words are wise.” How does a woman with strength and dignity carry herself? Do you present yourself in a way that would exhibit the strength and dignity of a godly woman? Be the woman who is seeking God’s kingdom above all else. Be the woman who prays without ceasing, works hard to provide for her children, and parents those kiddos well. Be the woman who attends church regularly, avoids ungodly talk or behavior, and suffers nothing to laziness. In other words, love God first and seek his heart for your life, so that you are ready when that godly man comes along, to enrich, enhance, and grow together. 

11. BE PATIENT

Perhaps the hardest, but most important piece of advice. Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. (Isaiah 40:31). There was a time in my life when I was convinced that I would never marry. I cried for years (literally), as I chased behind meaningless relationships in a desperate attempt to make me whole. It was only when I learned that my joy was found in Christ, my singleness wasn’t a curse, and my single parenthood wasn’t a hindrance to God’s plan, but rather a steppingstone to fully experience His plan, that I fully embraced my singleness. It was some time thereafter when God saw fit to bring me a spouse. I don’t know when your singleness season will be over. I don’t know why Abraham waited 100 years for a son or the women with the issue of blood bled 12 years before her healing. But here is what I do know. God is orchestrating a plan for your life that you couldn’t possibly work out. His timing is always perfect. His plan is always to give us a future and a hope, not meant for harm (Jeremiah 29:11). Learn to be patient in your current season and watch all of the ways the Lord blesses you for it. 

We cannot control or rush the plans He has for our lives. What can we do, then? We can prepare our own hearts for when our husband crosses our path. We can learn to embrace singleness and be patient in our current season. We can stay aware of the red flags that counterfeit Christian men often display and guard our hearts against them. We can ensure we do not perpetuate a lie that culture has fed us about marriage or godly men. Above all, we can trust God and His plan for our lives because it is always exceedingly and abundantly more than we could have ever imagined or asked for. Single mom, know that God sees you. He sees the desires of your heart. He has a perfect plan for your life that is more than you even know how to pray or ask for.  

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