Hanging up the phone that afternoon, my body sunk to the floor and my mind spun. Did he really say he was leaving me?

Numbly, I stood and stared at our one and three year olds playing on the floor.  “Hold it together, don’t break down, put on a smile.” I could hear myself begging my body to keep it all together until I could put my kids to bed.

The moment they went to bed I looked at my mom, no words needed to be said. I had to get out of the house. I drove until I found myself entering the doors of my childhood church. My body hit the soft carpet of the worship room floor and the sobs came. I wept for all the pain I had endured, the shame of my choices, and the fear of our unknown future. I pictured my children sleeping. Their peaceful faces. Fear rose up within me and I screamed, “How am I going to do this?” I was a stay at home mom. I would have to live with my parents. All I owned was a paid off car. What would our lives be like?

I groaned aloud, “God what am I suppose to do?”


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I waited. I am not sure if I expected a grand plan to evolve or for there to be a deafening silence but what slipped through my mind was one phrase: remain in Him.

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It was a statement. It was a choice. Could I trust God? Was I willing to truly remain in Him?

What came forth was a feeble but steadfast statement back to the Lord. “No matter what comes I will remain in you.” It was a simple submission; it was all I had, and it was enough. A deep peace flooded my body. I could breath, and I knew in that moment one thing, we were going to be okay.

In the days following day one, remaining in Him became my anchor.

The reality was I had no energy in the coming days to do 10 great things every single mom should do or some other formula to help me thrive in single motherhood. I was raw and hurting. I learned that some days I was only capable of taking a half a step forward and that was okay. Other days all I could do was show-up for the day and stand. I had to let go of the high expectations I had on myself and accept His plans for my day.