Going through divorce is disorienting. It devastates a part of you that you didn’t know could hurt this bad. Because of the pain and disorientation, you reach for people who will reassure you of your identity, belonging, purpose and someone to tell you that you have value, attractiveness and that your ex was wrong about you. But sometimes you can wander too far and too long and in the wrong direction. You become a serial dater. A person who continuously searches for the next relationship. That desire to be loved is not wrong, just sometimes misdirected. There was a period of time where I was a serial dater and like any good serial dater, there will eventually come guilt and confessions. Here are some of mine:
Confession #1: I didn't always know what i wanted.
I could rationalize anything to be with someone because I was hurting and thought the answer to my pain and proving my value was in the next relationship. In this confession, I want to say with deep regret that I introduced far too many men to my children.
What was I (and you) searching for? Understanding the “why” of what you want can help. It’s difficult to be totally honest with ourselves to say, I’m grieving, I’m needing to be held, to be comforted, to be loved. Are you searching for something deeper than what a man can fill? What do you want, more importantly, what does God want for you? Do the discovering that only you and God can do.
Confession #2: I had to re-learn how to be myself.
Who was I now that one of my most vital roles has been removed? It feels like high school all over again. Who is this woman in the mirror? How can I get to know her again, to find the deep longings of her heart? Could I learn to be honest with my heart? To let grief come in and tell me what was really going on with me. I have forgotten my dreams. I had some dreams. It’s OK not to know right now, it’s not OK not to start the discovery. The goal is to get to the point of being a healthy single. To say, I am finding my life purpose, finding my gifts, healing where I need to heal, loving myself, being passionate, getting fit, growing healthy friendships, meeting new people and taking the risks necessary to create a powerful life.
“Above all else, guard your heart”, the scriptures say. “For everything else flows from it”. Your heart is who you are.
Confession #3: I wasted a lot of time.
I could have had my PhD for the time invested in dating. Hoping for a great guy, but being disappointed again and again. Discerning character takes time. Lots of time. Maybe I wasted time because I didn’t know what I wanted and was waiting for someone to tell me. Again, because I didn’t know or take the time to really pray and seek intentionality in my life, I wasted a lot of time. I can’t ever get it back. If I had a vision for my life and a plan, I’d have that PhD and fewer regrets to go with it.
Confession #4: Our feelings aren't always trustworthy.
Running on and after our feelings is common; we don’t realize this motivator. And it’s not always an honest motivator. Within our feelings are many lies we believe or have been told to believe. “I have to have a man to be complete.” “I feel I can’t be happy as a single woman.” And our feelings of needing comfort, affirmation, and attention can lead us astray. Loneliness is real, but it can also take us places that are not healthy for us. Test the feeling, is it true? What is the healthy long-term action I can take with this feeling? Do I need to journal it away and find a healthy replacement? Who should I be reaching out to?
It takes a strong person to remain single in a world that is accustomed to anything, just to say they have something.
Confession #5: Rejection is a weird way to find direction.
Being rejected is a time to re-focus on your life purpose. The door that closes can be a hidden blessing to your future. They saved you time and energy. Now is the time to dig deeper and re-evaluate the purpose of your life. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is to break up with someone. At least it’s honest. Everyone, yes, everyone faces rejection. It can be very directive.
Confession #6: I spurned the greatest lover.
All the while I was searching, someone was searching for me. The real me, the broken me. The me with all the needs, wants and flaws. I know it may sound odd, but the longing you search for is a spiritual need.
It may seem we are searching for the next relationship, but really, we are searching for God. Our longings are known to Him. Not only are they known, He holds the answer and the completion of our longings in Him. Once you come to this greatest Lover of your soul, you will find all that you search for.
"You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore" (NIV)
What we really need to work on is our perception of being single. It is not a curse to escape from, it is an opportunity to live life serving the One who longs to have true, deep relationship with us. The one who intimately and ultimately loves us. The One who gifted you your talents/gifts to find your ultimate purpose. Is He really that great? Does He truly calm the soul and give it purpose? Is it really possible to have a relationship with the Creator of the Universe? Yes it is and He is the best date ever. The husband I’ve had over the past 28 years of being single. He is the provider and protector of my soul. And He satisfies.
The serial dater is out there by the dozens. They continue to search to find the answer in another person who sees their value. God already does. Search for Him. If it is meant to be, He will provide the right man. But if He doesn’t, it is what is the best for you. He will be there not as a substitute, but as the ultimate date and Husband. And He always picks up the tab.
Meet the Author
Kathey Batey is an author of 13 books, (6 on divorce), a national speaker at women’s conferences. A divorce coach, domestic mediator and holds divorce support groups since 2005. She leads single moms camp every summer at Higher Ground Camp Lake Louise. You can connect with her at www.SpiritedPresentations.com or DivorceSupportAnonymous.com
WHO WE ARE
The Life of a Single Mom is a national, faith-based, nonprofit that exists to see that no single mom walks alone. To date, the organization has worked with hundreds of churches to start a single mom’s support group in cities throughout the U.S. and beyond, as well as having served hundreds of thousands of single mothers with a variety of programs. Offering a large array of books, curriculum, training materials, online instructional videos, podcasts, newsletters, life skills education, and more, TLSM is one of the largest single mom organizations in the U.S. The robust selection of single mom programs focus on empowering single moms to grow spiritually, emotionally, financially, and parentally through Single Mom University, Single Moms Across America, the National TLSM Single Moms Conference, boot camps, and a variety of other programs. For more information, visit www.thelifeofasinglemom.com.
