Separated three years, I prayed, hoped, and sought wisdom, but nothing in my husband changed. Divorce seemed inevitable. I did come to understand that even God allows us to walk away when we choose our own way not His way. Still, how does one watch her husband, father of her children, and dreams of forever-after walk away? We detach as God does - with benevolence.
Detaching has a reputation. It is often associated with broken relationships, bad memories, and dysfunction. So pairing detachment with benevolence seems to be a misnomer. Emotionally detaching is a protective move. It is a healthy progression towards growth. But, then again, can it be done with benevolence? Can love lead?
First coined by John Eldridge in his book Get Your Life Back, detaching with love and kindness – benevolent detachment – has become an emotional tool I find useful for single parents. Parenting solo or with a co-parent, benevolent detachment is a process that will empower you to be like Jesus. Citing 1 Peter 5:7, “Cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you,” Eldridge encourages us to release all our concerns for people and situations to the Lord. Releasing our concerns frees us from attempting to control and letting God be God. We are then free to worship God by trusting Him. This draws us closer to Him and we learn to abide in His love and sovereignty. Eldridge also has developed an app as a guide called Pause. There, we have a model for detaching with kindness and entering into worship and healing. The mantra he uses is, “I give everyone and everything to you, Lord.”
Benevolent detachment releases our worries to God who cares for every detail in our lives. In Matthew 10:30, we hear “even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.” Matthew 6:26 reminds us to “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” Then, God underscores His greatness in Psalm 46:10-11, so that we can rest in His provision by urging us to, “‘Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.” We must look away from our circumstances in order to look to Him who promises to meet all our needs.
Letting go of an unwanted divorce, a man you still love, the father of your children is difficult. Emotionally detaching seems unfeasible, especially when regular weekly child exchanges continue to wound. Perhaps you are still struggling to accept the loss of your family dreams. I picture a woman, with tears surfacing in her eyes as we talk, anticipating seeing her soon-to-be ex-husband when she drops off her three children for the weekend. Emotionally attached, each drop-off rips her heart again. She will spend the weekend mourning her loss, numbing her pain, or hardening her heart, only to repeat the cycle the next time. Casting her pain and unrequited love to the Lord will unburden her and free her to heal and give love as God gives us love. “While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). Conversely, holding on to the ache will produce a hardened heart as it is repeatedly hurt.
God understands the pain and heartache you and your children are enduring. He knows all involved intimately. Only with a kind and gentle giving over to His hands can we soften our hearts for our children and towards the other parent.
Benevolently detaching is a peaceful exchange from control to Christ.
Benevolent detachment also works for parents struggling with the empty nest or a rebellious teen. Resting in God’s care and discipline as you provide love and boundaries, produces a gentle spirit as you benevolently “let your child go” into the loving arms of God.
Benevolent detachment takes repetition and imagination. With a daily practice of casting your cares to God while using your outstretched hands to envision God receiving them, you renew (rewire) your brain and deepen your faith with His love and faithfulness. You will experience a difference in your demeanor and spirit as you “give everything and everyone” to God.
Relinquishing CONTROL
ft. Jennifer Maggio & Nettye Johnson
MEET THE AUTHOR
Stacey Jeannett is the founder and director of Single Parent Focus, dedicated to walking and encouraging single parents to “seek God first” in all areas of their lives. Stacey holds a Master’s in Counseling and is a Life Coach through her ministry, Single Parent Focus.
A single parent for most of her daughter’s life and making plenty of mistakes, Stacey cried out to God and He pulled her from the pit of self-sufficiency. Remarried, she now has a blended family of four, along with two son-in-laws, and three adorable grandchildren that call her GG.
WHO WE ARE
The Life of a Single Mom is a national, faith-based, nonprofit that exists to see that no single mom walks alone. To date, the organization has worked with hundreds of churches to start a single mom’s support group in cities throughout the U.S. and beyond, as well as having served hundreds of thousands of single mothers with a variety of programs. Offering a large array of books, curriculum, training materials, online instructional videos, podcasts, newsletters, life skills education, and more, TLSM is one of the largest single mom organizations in the U.S. The robust selection of single mom programs focus on empowering single moms to grow spiritually, emotionally, financially, and parentally through Single Mom University, Single Moms Across America, the National TLSM Single Moms Conference, boot camps, and a variety of other programs. For more information, visit thelifeofasinglemom.com.
