8 Signs You May Be Dating a Narcissist by Jennifer Maggio

I began ministry to single mothers almost two decades ago and have had the privilege of talking to thousands of single mothers across the U.S. Through the years, I’ve conducted many Q&A’s and of course, the regular questions of sex, dating, loneliness, and future mates come up often. But I’ve recently been struck by the number of conversations where the term “narcissist” has come up. So I began to do a little research. Sure enough, narcissism seems to be on the rise – or at least is being charted as such. According to the National Institutes of Health, modern western societies are experiencing a narcissism pandemic that rose from a reported 12% in 1963 to 77% in 1992 among adolescents. In its simplest interpretation, an Ohio State University study in 2021 defined narcissism as “entitled self-importance.” But why the rise? 

Could it be the helicopter parenting of the 1980s and 1990s, where children perceived that their parents’ worlds revolved solely around them, backfired? Could it be the increased pressure of social media and promotion of the Instagram-famous, You-Tubers, likes, clicks, and followers caught up with us? Could it be that “die to self” and “pick up your cross and follow me” died and the world laid down their crosses and picked up their egos? I have no doubt that the further the world migrates to the culture of anything goes, New Ageism, paganism, worship of self, and search of truth as only “your truth” and not the undeniable truth of the Creator of Heaven and Earth, we will see this trend continue.  

So, how do you identify if you may be dating a narcissist? Here are 8 clues. While no one tip exclusively denotes that you are dating a narcissist, a combo thereof would be a clue!

| #1 |

NARCISSISTS OBSESS ABOUT SUCCESS.

Their importance is defined by their accomplishments. How quickly they climb the Corporate Ladder or achieve the social media followers or accomplish the goal matters to them. They will likely list their resume of accomplishments, early on in the relationship in hopes of impressing you or others around you. They may site their resume of accomplishments often in social settings, erroneously thinking their worth is tied to their resume versus their value in Christ. 

| #2 |

narcissistS WANT TO BE ADMIRED FOR THEIR attractiveness.

While caring about your appearance is certainly not an outright sign of narcissism, the obsession with it can be. Clothing, hair, and how others perceive their attractiveness is of paramount importance. It is important they perceive themselves as the most attractive in a room. It is not uncommon that designer cars, clothes, high-end jewelry, and the like, would be especially important to complete their “look." 

| #3 |

NARCISSISTS WANT TO BE perceived AS HEROeS.

Initial impressions will yield immense kindness, good manners, and chivalry. They are often charismatic and well-liked by the general public, as many won’t discern their true character. They want to be perceived as a “rescuer” rushing in to make your life easier. They will say things like, “I can’t believe someone treated you like that, before.” However, this hero persona is short-lived and manipulation usually births quickly, thereafter.  (Note: The problem is that many victims get wrapped up in the early heroism and don’t see the tide shift later in the relationship!)  

| #4 |

NARCISSISTS WANT TO BE VALIDATED & NEEDED.

They fish for compliments and need their work to be acknowledged. They want you to acknowledge when they’ve washed your car, helped the elderly lady across the street, or volunteered at the soup kitchen. They will keep record of their service to you or others and will likely bring it up again. It is especially meaningful for them to be needed. When the car breaks down and leaves you road-side, this is of great merit to the narcissist, as it fuels their need to rescue and be needed, further solidifying that you can’t live without them. But for them, you wouldn’t survive.  

| #5 |

NARCISSISTS HOLD GRUDGES.

The Word of God teaches us that love keeps no record of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13:5), but they often do. They remember what you did and said. And they will attempt to get you back for it. They want you to pay. They strategize ways to do so and may sit on the revenge for some time. But make no mistake, they did not forget. Forgiveness is hard for them. They want someone to pay for their pain and hardship.  

| #6 |

NARCISSISTS WANT POWER & CONTROL.

This is a given. They want to be in charge and will go to great lengths to do so. It is much harder for them to follow others. They want to control their environments (and yours) and it could manifest through obsession about tidiness, promptness, or organization. They tend to overreact, when they aren’t in control or things have not gone in a way that was previously projected.  It is also important to note that they do not want to be rejected, so if you attempt to leave them, they will come on more aggressively. Be aware they do not want to be with you in a healthy way, they simply want to be in control of you.

| #7 |

NARCISSISTS are very jealous.

They often need to be placed above all. In fact, many will pull you from God. They won’t say it this way, of course, but they need to be worshiped above anything else, as your all in all. They promote idolatry in this way. They don’t mutually seek God with you. They seek to be God for you. They may be active in the church (as this can be a place to get power), but they aren’t seeking deep relationship with their King. They want to control your relationship with the Lord. 

| #8 |

NARCISSISTS TRULY BELIEVE THEY SHOULD GET EVERYTHING THEY WANT.

They are the epitome of the “me” culture. What about me? They expect those around them to be compliant in ensuring that everything is always about them. How did they feel? How were they treated? Were they served first? Were they the first ones thought of? Their world revolves around them. 

But here’s the really important part of understanding what is at play. Read 1 Kings. Read 2 Kings. Read Revelation. Narcissism is nothing but the Jezebel spirit. The Jezebel spirit isn’t exclusive to gender, nor is narcissism. Men and women alike are suffering with this. We must first recognize that we are not wrestling against flesh and blood enemies (Ephesians 6: 12). We are battling evil rulers and authorities in the unseen world. Sadly, most of us aren’t fully aware of the spiritual war going on that so easily deceives us and steals our joy. Come against the spirit of the thing. Wrestle not against flesh. The Jezebel spirit is coming to wreak havoc, seek control, manipulate, and create chaos. It often deceives others into thinking the person has changed and truly wants to be different, when it is simply a ploy to regain control.

Single moms, you must stop ignoring red flags, when the Holy Spirit is guiding and leading. Stop trying to fix and counsel your way out of a narcissistic relationship. Stop ignoring the warning signs or making excuses for behavior. Stop dating narcissists. Do not be deceived into thinking you can fix them, if you can just endure or be strong enough. Stop being so easily ensnared. The stronghold must be broken off them, which requires them to humble themselves, submit to the Lord, and fully walk out freedom with Him. Sadly, many will not do this. Do not enter into marital covenant with them, single mommas. It gets far more complicated. God has more for you. There are many good Christian men out there. Do not be deceived into thinking that there aren't! 

First appeared at iBelieve.com.

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