7 Things a Single Mom Needs (but will never ask for) by Michelle Donnelly

When my marriage first ended, I hated referring to myself as a “single mom.” I hated the connotation of it. It was like a giant “F” for Failure had been stamped on my forehead. Like I had been handed a membership card to a club I never wanted to be in. 

But over time, I realized that the term “single mother” doesn't define me, but rather it describes my situation. The truth is that being in this situation has some unique needs and challenges that are summed up pretty well with the words “single mom.”

(Because “lonely-woman-raising-three-kids-while-being-solely-responsible-for-managing-a-household” is too long.)

In my darkest season, God blessed me in extravagant ways through the people around me (in ways I didn’t even know I needed). But I’ve also realized just how much I neglected the needs of the single moms around me in my “pre-single mom” days. And not because I didn’t care, but because I didn’t understand. 

In the wake of the reversal of Roe v. Wade, many people are asking how they can reach out and support single moms. If you’re a single mom struggling to help those in your life understand, or if you have a single mom in your life that you want to bless, check out this list of Seven Ways to Support a Single Mom.

Seven Ways to Support a Single Mom

1. Invite her. A single mom loses so much more than a relationship when she becomes single; her social life takes a huge hit as well. Friends seem to back away for a number of reasons, whether it’s not taking sides in a breakup or just a weird shift in group dynamics that now make “couples’ nights” obsolete. But she still needs people in her life, probably now more than ever, who can bring a little lightness (and fun) into an overwhelming situation. Provide childcare for her and invite her out to dinner - just the grown ups. It will help to find normalcy in a very "un-normal" situation.
2. Encourage her. Single moms often don’t reach out for help because they don’t think anyone will understand, or they fear being a burden. During a time when a significant relationship has ended, she is likely struggling to understand her own thoughts and feelings to the point where she doesn’t even know who she is anymore. What she needs to know is that she is seen. Send her a hand-written card, or buy her some flowers or her favorite treat (because you have to remember, no one else probably will). To a single mom, small gestures of kindness go a long way.
3. Walk with her. Becoming a single mom involves a series of traumatic experiences that require healing, and most often that healing is found in relationships with safe and trustworthy people. But being vulnerable can be scary when others who have been close to her have harmed her. Grieve with her when she is hurting. Help her get curious when she says or does things that show she is devaluing herself. Be open about your own struggles. Remember with her all the good God has done in her life in the past, and help her to imagine what He still wants to do for her, in her, and through her. 
4. Back her up. Single moms struggle with enormous gaps in parenting, regardless of how involved the father is. She may feel like she always has to be the “bad cop” or doesn’t have time to adequately handle issues before they balloon into something much bigger. While any healthy parental support is helpful, single moms need godly men to act as spiritual uncles and grandfathers to their children and mentor them in practicing respect. Consider involving her children in tackling a project in the home or in preparing a special meal for their mother. These activities not only emphasize serving, they give rise to conversations that are excellent opportunities for discipling.
5. Accompany her. Single moms feel dreadfully exposed in certain situations; for example, there’s nothing like showing up solo to an event to remind her of just how single she is. What’s worse, she’s likely to experience the trauma of triggered emotions that can arise at the most inconvenient times (think PTSD). If you know a single mom, check in with her to see if you can accompany her to an event where she may need support. Think church services, birthday parties, court dates, even shopping trips, as all of these are possible avenues for re-traumatization. 
6. Provide for her. The physical needs of a single mom are many, and can be extremely overwhelming. Take her a meal. Help her with yard work. Watch her kids for an afternoon (even if only for the purpose of letting her take a nap). And don’t let her tell you she doesn’t need anything- she’s very likely just being polite! Anything that saves time and money is a HUGE blessing to a woman who is juggling the responsibilities of running a household alone.
7. Listen to her. Loneliness is a major struggle for many single moms. She may feel like she doesn’t belong, and that the people around her don’t care to understand what she needs or where she’s coming from. She may also feel like others see her as a project to be fixed instead of a person to be included. She needs to know that she has a place and that her thoughts and feelings matter. Listen to her and seek to understand what she’s going through, even if you don’t know what to say. Regular one-on-one coffees or Bible study times are a great way to help a woman process what she’s going through, remind her of who God says she is, and help her to feel cared for and connected.

The Bible says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15, ESV). The word compassion means “to suffer with,” to embrace another’s pain and struggle and offer love and support. If you’re not sure what to do, know that anything done with a heart of compassion will undoubtedly bless a single mother, and let her know that she is not alone.