Hanging up the phone that afternoon, my body sunk to the floor and my mind spun. Did he really say he was leaving me?
Numbly, I stood and stared at our one and three year olds playing on the floor. “Hold it together, don’t break down, put on a smile.” I could hear myself begging my body to keep it all together until I could put my kids to bed.
The moment they went to bed I looked at my mom, no words needed to be said. I had to get out of the house. I drove until I found myself entering the doors of my childhood church. My body hit the soft carpet of the worship room floor and the sobs came. I wept for all the pain I had endured, the shame of my choices, and the fear of our unknown future. I pictured my children sleeping. Their peaceful faces. Fear rose up within me and I screamed, “How am I going to do this?” I was a stay at home mom. I would have to live with my parents. All I owned was a paid off car. What would our lives be like?
I groaned aloud, “God what am I suppose to do?”
I waited. I am not sure if I expected a grand plan to evolve or for there to be a deafening silence but what slipped through my mind was one phrase: remain in Him.
[inlinetweet prefix=”Tweet this: ” tweeter=”null” suffix=”null”]Remain in Him[/inlinetweet]
It was a statement. It was a choice. Could I trust God? Was I willing to truly remain in Him?
What came forth was a feeble but steadfast statement back to the Lord. “No matter what comes I will remain in you.” It was a simple submission; it was all I had, and it was enough. A deep peace flooded my body. I could breath, and I knew in that moment one thing, we were going to be okay.
In the days following day one, remaining in Him became my anchor.
The reality was I had no energy in the coming days to do 10 great things every single mom should do or some other formula to help me thrive in single motherhood. I was raw and hurting. I learned that some days I was only capable of taking a half a step forward and that was okay. Other days all I could do was show-up for the day and stand. I had to let go of the high expectations I had on myself and accept His plans for my day.[inlinetweet prefix=”” tweeter=”” suffix=””]Instead of making plans and inviting the Lord into them, I was being directed by Him to the plans he had for me.[/inlinetweet] The plans that unfolded over the coming months and years looked like nothing I had imagined. They came about through times of poverty, new friendships, hard spaces, and glorious redemption. They were richer, more authentic, and full of hope.
Jennifer Finnegan Pool is author, innovator, advocate, reformer, proud mom of 2, survivor of abuse and divorce, speaker, friend, admirer of her therapist, and desperately in need of Jesus. She can be found holding a hot cup of coffee, engaging in the lives of single moms, building strong communities, creating hands-on programming, and loving and serving alongside her husband and two kids. Jennifer is the Founder and Executive Director of Single MOMM, author, and a sought after conversationalist speaker.
The Life of a Single Mom Ministries is a global nonprofit committed to seeing no single mom walk alone. Having served more than 46,000 single mothers and 1,500 churches, the goal of the organization is establish support groups for single mothers in cities around the world, while also empowering single moms to grow spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially, and parentally. For more information, visit www.thelifeofasinglemom.com.