10 Ways to Deal with Angry Children by Jennifer Maggio

#1 | Walk Away.

Walk away, at least for a bit. Walk away for two reasons. First, you need to take some time to collect your thoughts, before responding in anger or haste. When a child falls into the floor at the grocery store, it would not be unusual for one to become angry and immediately respond in anger. So take some time and collect yourself. Second, one of the best pieces of parenting advice I read when my children were toddlers and adolescents was to walk away and say nothing. Frankly, it was huge for me. I learned that if my toddlers, pre-teens, or young adults didn’t have an audience, they would stop the screaming, yelling, or tantrums. I learned that the power of my walking away was two-fold. It helped me regain peace, and it demonstrated to the child that I was not going to continue an out-of-control confrontation.  

James 1:2-4 says, “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” Some of you are probably thinking, “Yes, I should lack absolutely nothing, then, because I’ve been endured this trial for a long while!” I know that some of you have grown weary in your parenting as you endure endless fits and tantrums, but I want to encourage you to operate in patience. It’s a fruit promised to you when you accept Christ. Further, your testing is producing patience and Scripture teaches us we lack nothing when we have it. 

#3 | Do not reciprocate or retaliate.

As a single mom, I balanced three jobs during some seasons and often went to college and worked during other seasons. I had two children under two, and I was utterly exhausted. Every day. All day. For what seemed like YEARS. My son was only four years old, when his temper tantrum yielded a shameful response from me. I slapped him. In an instant, I had slapped my precious little boy. He was hungry and impatient and his anger provoked reciprocation from me. We must always operate with the Holy Spirit that is living within us. We must remember that self-control and patience are fruits of a life surrendered to Christ, and continue to seek those fruits, as we mature in Him. This is critical to our parenting. 

#4 | Pray.

The prayers of the righteous availeth much. James 5:16 tells us. I find that many parents underestimate this critical and powerful component of their Christian journey (and their parenting). There is much that is taking place in the spirit realm that we cannot see. There is much territory being taken, when we open our mouths and cry out to the God who created us. He created our children. He knew them while they were yet in our wombs. He loves them and he loves us. Why do we talk to (and complain) to others for more than we do our Lord? We must pray morning and night (without ceasing). We must seek God’s instruction for our children’s lives. We must pray for them and about them. We must not only pray when they are in trouble or angry, but pray constantly for their future, their salvation, and their holiness. Pray for protection. Prayer shifts everything! 

Assess what is really going on. Just as the peas and potatoes weren’t the real issue in my childhood, the same may be true for your children. My mother was killed when I was only 18 months old. I was left with an alcoholic father who married six times and had many girlfriends throughout. I was sexually abused for many years. I lost many “moms” as my dad’s marriages often ended in divorce. My food touching was never the real root to my anger. It was my feeble attempt to control my environment, when so much around me had caused me pain and fear. Asses the pain, fear, or other emotions your child(ren) may be experiencing. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you discern the root.  

You see, you don’t have to negotiate with your children about your authority. You simply are the authority. I find too many moms negotiating for the authority of their home. If you do this….then I’ll do that. No. With one word, our God created heaven and earth. With one word, the ocean only goes so far. With one word, the storm calmed. Authority is powerful, and it is never negotiated for. It simply is. The more you operate in your authority (not as a tyrant, but as a comfortable mother who knows her identity), the more your children will rest. Even teenagers yearn for boundaries and authority. Now, they certainly won’t tell you that, but they do, nonetheless.  

Is it a spirit or is it an emotion? The emotion of anger is a normal healthy emotion. We see Jesus flipping tables in the temple, when His father’s house had been disrespected. This was a righteous anger. He was warranted in his frustration and exhibited the emotion. Sometimes, this is the case with our children. They have been hurt at school or wounded in some way and anger is the response. However, there is also the spirit of anger. This spirit is sent on assignment from the enemy of our souls. We must recognize that there is often a battle in the spirit realm and our children could very well be battling something unseen. Ephesians 6:12 says, “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places” We must become well-versed in warfare strategies when our children have a “spirit of anger” tormenting them. (Hint: I’ve written and taught a great deal on this subject, so I won’t cover the warfare strategies here.) 

#8 | respond softly.

We learn in Proverbs 15: 1 that a soft answer turns away wrath. May I be honest? When someone has lost their temper with me or is disrespecting of disobeying me, the last thing I want to do is respond softly! However, the word teaches us that our response to a situation can make the difference in creating peace and calm in an environment. My late Aunt Marie was the queen of this! I can remember seeing my daughter at two years old throwing a royal temper tantrum, when we were over for a visit. There was kicking and scream and red faces involved. My aunt simply leaned over and picked her up and began to softly whisper in her ear that the Lord loved her and that her mother loved her and that we wanted her to be safe, etc. Within seconds, my wailing two-year-old was sitting calmly on the couch and listening. It made a huge impression.

Moms, truthfully, sometimes we over-react. Not everything is a mountain. Some things are indeed a molehill. We must assess which is which. Is your toddlers angry response age-appropriate? Is the pain your teen daughter feels fair, considering she was just humiliated at school? Is the behavior frequent or infrequent?  Does your child field safe? Scared? Is grace warranted or a harsh discipline? Take some time to assess the situation for what it is. 

#10 | Evaluate you.

Eek. For those of you who often read my work, you’ll know I was probably getting around to this one. The reality is, when I was a little girl experiencing extreme anger (that carried over into my adult years), I had seen it modeled in my home for years. I lived with an angry alcoholic who often trashed our home. I heard much screaming and yelling and fighting through the years. It was the ‘norm’ for my household. Why would anyone be surprised that I was duplicating behavior I had witnessed for years? Do you have outbursts in your home? Do you lose your temper with your children, coworkers, or others? Do you struggle to maintain composure and exercise self-control? If so, then do not be surprised if you see this emulated in your children. 

Just because your children have missed the mark, it doesn’t mean you are a terrible parent. For so long, I carried this immense guilt if my children failed a test, cheated, used profanity or stayed out too late. I somehow internalized that every behavior was a reflection of my parenting. It immobilized my children. It alienated them. It made me an angry parent.

Our Heavenly Father is perfect, and yet we, his children, make mistakes. It doesn’t mean He is any less a good Father. It means we have a sin nature that we grapple with. Lose the guilt and offer the kiddos some grace.