Stop Feeling Guilty for Your Ex’s Bad Behavior by Laura Polk

“But, I chose him as their father, so it’s kind of my fault.” As soon as the words came out of my mouth I realized I was dealing with a serious problem.

When you’re in a marriage, long-term relationship, or share a child with someone, you connect in ways that you simply don’t with other people in your life. When you end a relationship with your child’s father, there are several things that are hard to let go of: The companionship, the joint effort that comes with raising a child, maybe even the love that once existed. But, there’s one thing I’ve noticed about single moms—myself the worst culprit—that we struggle with letting go of the most: false guilt.

When we take on the load of raising our children on our own (or even with shared custody) we tend to accept guilt for behavior that should lay squarely on our ex’s shoulders. Over my time as a single mom I began to notice this about myself. If my ex behaved badly, I wouldn’t excuse his behavior, but more often than not I found myself apologizing to others for it, and going home filled with guilt because of what he’d done.

I didn’t want this to be my story. I didn’t want this to be my children’s story. And so I felt the need to compensate for the things I didn’t feel were right on his side. Even when I clearly had no part in the behavior. Guilt was the one emotion I couldn’t let go of.

Guilt when they didn’t do what they said they were going to.

Guilt when they chose not to support their child financially.

Guilt when they chose to badmouth me undeservedly.

Guilt when they ignored, berated, or harassed my children and I couldn’t do anything to change it.

Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 3:13-14

Living that way not only hurts us, but our kids. Because carrying guilt around like that—especially guilt that is not ours to carry—weighs us down and holds us back from being the best mother we can be to our children. The truth is we only have control over one person’s behavior in this world: our own. And, fretting about what others are doing is not an effective way to handle it.

What is effective?

Laying that guilt down. Moving forward in life. Beginning to see that person’s behavior for what it is and simply choose to either ignore it, or remove ourselves and our children from it as much as possible.

Take the focus off of the problem-maker, and direct it to other positive areas that you do have control over:

  • Set up healthy boundaries and rules ahead of time for what you are not willing to accept.
  • Establish consequences (whether you vocalize these to the other parent or not) and then be consistent with them.
  • Begin to build a healthy family. Show your kids that while the family has changed, the one that you and they are a part of is going to thrive, have fun together, and be there for each other.

Do what you can to make the situation a good one, as far as it depends on you. And, sweet girl, let go of the guilt. Your child deserves a healthy mom who lives with a clean conscious and can focus her efforts on them, not someone who doesn’t deserve it.

 

Laura-PolkLaura Polk is a single mom, author, writer, speaker, and friend. She has written for magazines, such as Focus on the Family, Christian Parenting Today, and Crosswalk. She is author of the upcoming release The Single Mom Challenge. She is a graduate of She Speaks and Christian Communicators. For more information, visit www.laurapolk.com.

TLSMFinalThe Life of a Single Mom Ministries is a global nonprofit committed to seeing no single mom walk alone. Having served more than 46,000 single mothers and 1,500 churches, the goal of the organization is establish support groups for single mothers in cities around the world, while also empowering single moms to grow spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially, and parentally. For more information, visitwww.thelifeofasinglemom.com

2016-10-17T16:10:10+00:00 July 18th, 2016|Laura Polk|3 Comments

3 Comments

  1. Sandra hoffman July 27, 2016 at 2:42 pm - Reply

    Loved this article…

  2. yasmin queen August 1, 2016 at 1:28 pm - Reply

    This really hit home..thanks for the encouragement, Laura.

  3. Tiffany August 1, 2016 at 8:40 pm - Reply

    Wow that was me in the marriage and right about a year after. I soon realized I did NOT need to apologize for his behavior. What is hard is ignoring while this happens in front of our kids during pick up/drop off times. Choosing to walk away, stay calm or ignore the comments worked best for me but seem to make him escalate. That’s when I make the choice to keep kids with me or let them go and visit their father. Every situation is different. We can choose to react or not react. Always a work in progress. Either way, pray before, during and after.

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